Today is my dad birthday, dad I wish you a happy birthday and be healthy and happy forever. Thanks for being a good dad always, I love you.
I didn't say it to you myself, because I couldn't do it. I was still infuriated by that day when I was forced to use rude word first time in front of you, because of the arguments incited by my sister. I was so emo I just didn't have the right mood to say it.
But I wish I can let you know how much I love you dad. I'll be leaving soon back to melbourne, please take care of yourself.
Please take care of mom, I'm very worry about her, and my sisters.
Mom, I wish I can take back what I had said, sorry for being so unfilial, Mom I love you very much. I'm sorry that I have caused so much disappointment to you and dad, I shouldn't be playing game but spend more time with you. Please don't be worry because I have quit playing game, I just play that game because I was so unhappy about that last arguments, there were so many dissatisfaction that I made me wanted to play game to make you angry, as a means of punishing myself.
I'm sorry, I wont it again...
I love you Dad and Mom, please forgive me your son.
Tonight is my last night sleeping at my own room, I'll be back to Melbourne in two days later, tomorrow I'll go to Penang already. I'll miss my family, house, and my lovely hometown. I wish I don't have to leave..
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Where I belong
They said my bedroom is as big as their entire flat, that is because they live in a low cost government subsidized flat, my bedroom is not that extremely big, it will be wasteful if I got an extremely big bedroom to contain just me.
I do live a comfortable life, that's because I got a very capable parents. But I'm poor, in terms of financial, I'm wholly self-reliant.
Because I have relinquished my right to inherit the money from my parents, I wish to make my 3 sisters pleased, as I'm the only son of my family I'm treated better than any of them since I was a child. And in my own thoughts, I wish to reimburse them.
I love my sisters, but the thing that I cant prevent is how my mom treats us, she certainly doesn't treat us equally. I'm the only person who will make her a real grandmother, not grandmother in law, I can certainly understand why. The only thing that I'll likely to inherit is this bungalow, a contemporary bungalow with no roof and a lot of windows, painted with grey and white. The reason is because it's my duty to take care of my parents when they are old, my sisters will be married to other persons, the house is my parents most beloved property, it was my mom dream house and it came true, they wont leave the house to my sister who will not be taking care of them, and it's impossible their husband will stay with my parents, I forbid that to happen because of chinese social norms issue.
My thinking is my house is extremely contemporary, it's likely to be the frontier of any house design for at least another 20 years. But then, I don't plan to live in this house forever, I plan to build another bigger house than the current by my own effort, and of course staying with parents forever they'll have to move with me by that time. My current house is designed or tailored to suit my current family, I don't think it will suit us in the future.
Where I belong is so much comfortable, So I don't enjoy departure at all. I don't enjoy living at overseas, unless I recreate and design a house like this at there. My mom and dad came out with brilliant ideas on this house, most of the furniture in this house are unique and custom-made, and distinct, the house design is so remarkable that it attracts a lot of people to photograph my house. Many have since copied my house design, they came and took photo of it showed to the contractors, some who went unreasonable and asked us to give them our blueprint, some wanted to come in and take photo, only one was being bastard and bribed our architect to give them our blueprint. The architect had done nothing about the design, we just hired him to put a signature on the blueprint.
Still got 3 days left, in fact tomorrow will be my last day on here, I'll be going penang before I leave. Each departure saddens me. I got 4 dogs right now, 1 beagle, 1 rottweiler and golden retriever mixed, 1 shi tzu and maltese mixed, and 1 pure breed poodle. 2 indoor and 2 outdoor, my home is so much warming with their presents. How can i leave? It's a bull shit that overseas is better than here, I'm different.
I do live a comfortable life, that's because I got a very capable parents. But I'm poor, in terms of financial, I'm wholly self-reliant.
Because I have relinquished my right to inherit the money from my parents, I wish to make my 3 sisters pleased, as I'm the only son of my family I'm treated better than any of them since I was a child. And in my own thoughts, I wish to reimburse them.
I love my sisters, but the thing that I cant prevent is how my mom treats us, she certainly doesn't treat us equally. I'm the only person who will make her a real grandmother, not grandmother in law, I can certainly understand why. The only thing that I'll likely to inherit is this bungalow, a contemporary bungalow with no roof and a lot of windows, painted with grey and white. The reason is because it's my duty to take care of my parents when they are old, my sisters will be married to other persons, the house is my parents most beloved property, it was my mom dream house and it came true, they wont leave the house to my sister who will not be taking care of them, and it's impossible their husband will stay with my parents, I forbid that to happen because of chinese social norms issue.
My thinking is my house is extremely contemporary, it's likely to be the frontier of any house design for at least another 20 years. But then, I don't plan to live in this house forever, I plan to build another bigger house than the current by my own effort, and of course staying with parents forever they'll have to move with me by that time. My current house is designed or tailored to suit my current family, I don't think it will suit us in the future.
Where I belong is so much comfortable, So I don't enjoy departure at all. I don't enjoy living at overseas, unless I recreate and design a house like this at there. My mom and dad came out with brilliant ideas on this house, most of the furniture in this house are unique and custom-made, and distinct, the house design is so remarkable that it attracts a lot of people to photograph my house. Many have since copied my house design, they came and took photo of it showed to the contractors, some who went unreasonable and asked us to give them our blueprint, some wanted to come in and take photo, only one was being bastard and bribed our architect to give them our blueprint. The architect had done nothing about the design, we just hired him to put a signature on the blueprint.
Still got 3 days left, in fact tomorrow will be my last day on here, I'll be going penang before I leave. Each departure saddens me. I got 4 dogs right now, 1 beagle, 1 rottweiler and golden retriever mixed, 1 shi tzu and maltese mixed, and 1 pure breed poodle. 2 indoor and 2 outdoor, my home is so much warming with their presents. How can i leave? It's a bull shit that overseas is better than here, I'm different.
Release
There is no more I can do as a brother, I feel everything I ever did was a failure.
I think it's time for her to decide her own fate, her fate is not what I can dictate.
As her brother, I do wish everything that is good for her, but what she ever did was defy me.
She defies me of all the advice that I've given her, frustrating, until I have to tell myself to let go of her already.
About 99% of the arguments from my family stem from her, the 1% not from her, is the case scenario that is out of my imagination. So I guess it's time that I leave her alone, from now on for every mistake she does or any wrongdoing she does, is no longer my concern.
I don't wish to be inside the argument anymore, I'm very tired of always trying to save the situation while lecturing her, as I have just used a rude word in front of my parents for the first time ever in my life. It's disrespectful to my parents and also a big disgrace for me as well. I thought I could live a life ever without using a rude word in front of my parents, but I have failed.
She has made me broke my principle, it breaks my heart as well.
Go, and have your own life, I have no right to interfere anymore.
If she blames me one day, I'll show her what I've written.
I think it's time for her to decide her own fate, her fate is not what I can dictate.
As her brother, I do wish everything that is good for her, but what she ever did was defy me.
She defies me of all the advice that I've given her, frustrating, until I have to tell myself to let go of her already.
About 99% of the arguments from my family stem from her, the 1% not from her, is the case scenario that is out of my imagination. So I guess it's time that I leave her alone, from now on for every mistake she does or any wrongdoing she does, is no longer my concern.
I don't wish to be inside the argument anymore, I'm very tired of always trying to save the situation while lecturing her, as I have just used a rude word in front of my parents for the first time ever in my life. It's disrespectful to my parents and also a big disgrace for me as well. I thought I could live a life ever without using a rude word in front of my parents, but I have failed.
She has made me broke my principle, it breaks my heart as well.
Go, and have your own life, I have no right to interfere anymore.
If she blames me one day, I'll show her what I've written.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Difference
Time is running low again. I still got a few days left before I leave here.
There are so many things that I'll miss, this simple town of mine, is more than it looked.
Back there, many people said that it's greater than here, people were persuading me to migrate to there, thinking it is better than anywhere in Malaysia, especially the wages and living condition.
They don't know what kinda life I have here. I have a very comfortable life and a loving family, I got a house which needs about 5k just to maintain every month (electricity, water bill, and other incidental expenses like internet). How can there be compared to here? The person who asked me to migrate vigorously came from a hawker stall family, and of course, when he got about 2.8k wages per month over there convert to RM he'll have RM 7-8k, the pay is better. But he didn't realise he is working as the lowest level job in the society, he works as a storekeeper, and another man works as a waiter. They've already felt proud of it.
To clarify, you'll only get 2.8k aussie dollar per month if u work 11 hours of pure labour everyday non-stop. For those who had worked that long before, you know it suffers more than death itself. You'll feel your leg like it's broken, your body pains like hell, and that pure pain persist for everyday, and u not getting any rest at all. It's true, I describe the experience not just according to myself, but from what they shared with me. The toll that is taken from the body: severe damage to the skin and nails of your feet, leg muscle damage that will take effect when you are old (u will not be able to walk properly or crippled when the time comes, if u over exert ur leg)
That is for the hardcore who solely wants to make money rather than caring about their own body.
So I think the best is you earn 2k aussie dollar max and maintain ur own body at the same time.
Those who migrated there were seeking to improve their life. But my life is good and doesn't need any improvement by going there, because it does no more improvement but a downgrade of life if I migrate to there, I'll improve my life further at here.
Some more when you migrate to there, life will be so lonely, extremely boring and pathetic. So far I have never seen anyone who migrated there lives a merry and jolly life yet. They all live in a house where it's so freaking dark and quiet at night you cant even see the road. People that you can mix with have been cut down to little, but if you can impress the white who live there maybe you can be friend with them who always look down to asian. I would say good luck with that.
After all these years, I have learned that 85% of the people who migrated to Australia live a solitary life, they have few friends and live in every single boring day. Unless you assimilate into their culture, mix with white, or local asians, you wont find Australia a happy place to live. The most painful about this is you have to act like them, and forget about ur own identity and style.
It's better to stay at our own place and think about how to improve our living condition and make money, rather than go overseas and work as cheap and low job, and then satisfy with the wages after it is converted into RM. I think if you migrate to overseas, most likely you'll work like this forever, unless you got skills and high qualification.
I know I can earn more if I go Australia and practice law, but I can equally earn that much as well if I stay and work at here.
There is no need to work overseas and convert the wages to make it looks a lot, you can be successful and become rich anywhere you want, not just overseas.
It's not because only if you go overseas then you can be successful and rich, that is wrong thinking.
Some more I live a luxurious life here, I don't want to migrate there. It will be me who's going to maintain it that way in the future, it'll be me who going to pay the bill one day.
There are so many things that I'll miss, this simple town of mine, is more than it looked.
Back there, many people said that it's greater than here, people were persuading me to migrate to there, thinking it is better than anywhere in Malaysia, especially the wages and living condition.
They don't know what kinda life I have here. I have a very comfortable life and a loving family, I got a house which needs about 5k just to maintain every month (electricity, water bill, and other incidental expenses like internet). How can there be compared to here? The person who asked me to migrate vigorously came from a hawker stall family, and of course, when he got about 2.8k wages per month over there convert to RM he'll have RM 7-8k, the pay is better. But he didn't realise he is working as the lowest level job in the society, he works as a storekeeper, and another man works as a waiter. They've already felt proud of it.
To clarify, you'll only get 2.8k aussie dollar per month if u work 11 hours of pure labour everyday non-stop. For those who had worked that long before, you know it suffers more than death itself. You'll feel your leg like it's broken, your body pains like hell, and that pure pain persist for everyday, and u not getting any rest at all. It's true, I describe the experience not just according to myself, but from what they shared with me. The toll that is taken from the body: severe damage to the skin and nails of your feet, leg muscle damage that will take effect when you are old (u will not be able to walk properly or crippled when the time comes, if u over exert ur leg)
That is for the hardcore who solely wants to make money rather than caring about their own body.
So I think the best is you earn 2k aussie dollar max and maintain ur own body at the same time.
Those who migrated there were seeking to improve their life. But my life is good and doesn't need any improvement by going there, because it does no more improvement but a downgrade of life if I migrate to there, I'll improve my life further at here.
Some more when you migrate to there, life will be so lonely, extremely boring and pathetic. So far I have never seen anyone who migrated there lives a merry and jolly life yet. They all live in a house where it's so freaking dark and quiet at night you cant even see the road. People that you can mix with have been cut down to little, but if you can impress the white who live there maybe you can be friend with them who always look down to asian. I would say good luck with that.
After all these years, I have learned that 85% of the people who migrated to Australia live a solitary life, they have few friends and live in every single boring day. Unless you assimilate into their culture, mix with white, or local asians, you wont find Australia a happy place to live. The most painful about this is you have to act like them, and forget about ur own identity and style.
It's better to stay at our own place and think about how to improve our living condition and make money, rather than go overseas and work as cheap and low job, and then satisfy with the wages after it is converted into RM. I think if you migrate to overseas, most likely you'll work like this forever, unless you got skills and high qualification.
I know I can earn more if I go Australia and practice law, but I can equally earn that much as well if I stay and work at here.
There is no need to work overseas and convert the wages to make it looks a lot, you can be successful and become rich anywhere you want, not just overseas.
It's not because only if you go overseas then you can be successful and rich, that is wrong thinking.
Some more I live a luxurious life here, I don't want to migrate there. It will be me who's going to maintain it that way in the future, it'll be me who going to pay the bill one day.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Regretted of fooling around
I wanted to say this for a very long time already, I'm regretted of fooling around.
There was a time when I did a lot of fooling around or flirting with girls, and I used to say something which let them think that I actually like them. But actually I never. There were times when people actually thought I like them, and I didn't care. I just like to play with them by flirting.
Now I'm extremely regretted, because there is one girl whom I think she thinks I like her. And it is not alright, because we are friend, and each time when I speak with her, her reply is so weird!
I'm quite speechless, lol.
There was a time when I did a lot of fooling around or flirting with girls, and I used to say something which let them think that I actually like them. But actually I never. There were times when people actually thought I like them, and I didn't care. I just like to play with them by flirting.
Now I'm extremely regretted, because there is one girl whom I think she thinks I like her. And it is not alright, because we are friend, and each time when I speak with her, her reply is so weird!
I'm quite speechless, lol.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Pure pressure
There's a sheer amount of pressure on me right now. When it's about the exam, I could feel myself crumbling inside.
And then my heart feels bitter and sour at once, it's what probably you called afraid, or intimidated.
I had never been so afraid of anything in my life, but my law exam.
I'm so afraid, because my parents spend so much money for me, they provide for me to study overseas, and I'm a big squanderer.
With all those things together, it means I can't fail in my studies. Not even once.
Nobody could imagine or comprehend the pressure that I'm having right now, the feeling of worrying about how good you are in the law exam, not even a bit.
I can try describe some situations that are more or less like mine right now:
(1) it's like falling from the sky, knowing that you'll die when you reach the ground. But that is not the main concern, the main concern is about the feeling that you get when u fall from a high sky.
(2) It's like you gamble all your money in a casino, your entire property all in, and then you lose your gamble. The feeling is like that exact few minutes when you lost everything.
(3) It's like you have lost hope and everything in a split of second, but that feeling persist for a very long time.
I was a fairly good student during my high school, I scored 7 A1 and 3Bs in my SPM. The Bs are chinese, english and malay.
Apparently I wasn't any good at my languages, and yet I chose to study Law, a subject which involves a lot of language skills.
During the second half of my first year law school, I had a lot of struggles in the exam.
The least that I would like to experience was the aftermath of the exam result announcement, because honestly my result wasn't any good at all. It was horrifying, and I had to live with it every single day of that period. I was terrified to the max, because, Imagine I always used to have a fairly good score on my exam, and then my exam result was totally like shit, at this crucial and important stage of my life. Can you imagine how it is like?
I do not like law actually, I wish I could find a fond in it, but too bad I can't.
Law is freaking boring and not lively at all, it's pretty much a dead subject.
The only thing I like about law is it can make me a lot of money, and also serve justice for the people.
I carried a noble intention initially, when I chose to take the course of studying law.
I thought I could one day, serve justice and equality for the people, which is something that I upheld the most.
But sometimes I feel my heart is just not big enough to accommodate this big and noble intention.
I sometimes feel it is too much to fill this heart alone.
I realised the fine line that separates a great man from a normal guy, I can actually see it.
To cross that line is not as easy as you say, it requires a lot of determination, lots of will, and a big heart to accommodate all the failure and hardship that you are likely to experience.
I'm still not sure I'm that material yet.
Am I a great man? Or a normal guy?
I'm doing something which is not my strongest, imagine you cant do math but you do actuarial study in university.
I'm a person with a lot of ideas and capable of giving a hell good of arguments.
But I feel I'm limited by my language effluence.
What is my future from now? I don't wish to be afraid of my law exam anymore. I wish to be confident like I always did.
I was a person who walked in to the exam venue at the exact time when it started and leave before it ended, and score A at the end. Now I'm afraid to the stage that I can feel coldness has consumed my heart.
I wish this all end soon. God please help me, if you chose me to hand down your divine retribution. Please make my heart stronger and bigger, so I can accommodate all these and move forward. Make my efforts and endeavors a fruitful one. Take away all my worries and pressure, and insert a hope that is promising. Amen.
And then my heart feels bitter and sour at once, it's what probably you called afraid, or intimidated.
I had never been so afraid of anything in my life, but my law exam.
I'm so afraid, because my parents spend so much money for me, they provide for me to study overseas, and I'm a big squanderer.
With all those things together, it means I can't fail in my studies. Not even once.
Nobody could imagine or comprehend the pressure that I'm having right now, the feeling of worrying about how good you are in the law exam, not even a bit.
I can try describe some situations that are more or less like mine right now:
(1) it's like falling from the sky, knowing that you'll die when you reach the ground. But that is not the main concern, the main concern is about the feeling that you get when u fall from a high sky.
(2) It's like you gamble all your money in a casino, your entire property all in, and then you lose your gamble. The feeling is like that exact few minutes when you lost everything.
(3) It's like you have lost hope and everything in a split of second, but that feeling persist for a very long time.
I was a fairly good student during my high school, I scored 7 A1 and 3Bs in my SPM. The Bs are chinese, english and malay.
Apparently I wasn't any good at my languages, and yet I chose to study Law, a subject which involves a lot of language skills.
During the second half of my first year law school, I had a lot of struggles in the exam.
The least that I would like to experience was the aftermath of the exam result announcement, because honestly my result wasn't any good at all. It was horrifying, and I had to live with it every single day of that period. I was terrified to the max, because, Imagine I always used to have a fairly good score on my exam, and then my exam result was totally like shit, at this crucial and important stage of my life. Can you imagine how it is like?
I do not like law actually, I wish I could find a fond in it, but too bad I can't.
Law is freaking boring and not lively at all, it's pretty much a dead subject.
The only thing I like about law is it can make me a lot of money, and also serve justice for the people.
I carried a noble intention initially, when I chose to take the course of studying law.
I thought I could one day, serve justice and equality for the people, which is something that I upheld the most.
But sometimes I feel my heart is just not big enough to accommodate this big and noble intention.
I sometimes feel it is too much to fill this heart alone.
I realised the fine line that separates a great man from a normal guy, I can actually see it.
To cross that line is not as easy as you say, it requires a lot of determination, lots of will, and a big heart to accommodate all the failure and hardship that you are likely to experience.
I'm still not sure I'm that material yet.
Am I a great man? Or a normal guy?
I'm doing something which is not my strongest, imagine you cant do math but you do actuarial study in university.
I'm a person with a lot of ideas and capable of giving a hell good of arguments.
But I feel I'm limited by my language effluence.
What is my future from now? I don't wish to be afraid of my law exam anymore. I wish to be confident like I always did.
I was a person who walked in to the exam venue at the exact time when it started and leave before it ended, and score A at the end. Now I'm afraid to the stage that I can feel coldness has consumed my heart.
I wish this all end soon. God please help me, if you chose me to hand down your divine retribution. Please make my heart stronger and bigger, so I can accommodate all these and move forward. Make my efforts and endeavors a fruitful one. Take away all my worries and pressure, and insert a hope that is promising. Amen.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Malaysia
I'm back to Malaysia already! surprised by the upgrade in my house.
My mom bought a lot of furniture, no wonder she wouldn't allow me to buy a car already, must be a pressure for her to spend so much money at once. Still with all those new furniture, it doesn't make my house feel cramped, it just makes it feels less empty.
Today is the second day already, I hadn't got a chance to say good bye to my friend, who was going to Australia for further study, because he switched off his handphone. I was supposed to call him when the first day I arrived, and before he flew to Australia.
Good Bye Meng, hope u have a great time over there at Australia.
I'll update the blog later, I'm going out for CNY pasar malam!
My mom bought a lot of furniture, no wonder she wouldn't allow me to buy a car already, must be a pressure for her to spend so much money at once. Still with all those new furniture, it doesn't make my house feel cramped, it just makes it feels less empty.
Today is the second day already, I hadn't got a chance to say good bye to my friend, who was going to Australia for further study, because he switched off his handphone. I was supposed to call him when the first day I arrived, and before he flew to Australia.
Good Bye Meng, hope u have a great time over there at Australia.
I'll update the blog later, I'm going out for CNY pasar malam!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Funny
So many half-naked pictures, it was hot this lately.
It feels funny to me of what people think about my bank account, while I'm already at a level that they can't even comprehended.
I not bragging, but some people can never imagined. People would usually be squandering if they were in my shoes, but not me. I only squander for myself, not for other. In fact, I'm very stingy to things that I don't feel it's important. For example, I don't feel it's important to go for a vacation, therefore I would be very stingy in this case.
I don't like the idea that people have in their mind. People would usually take advantage of you when they know you are capable in terms of financial. That is what I hate the most, I can only be generous for people convenience. For example, I can be generous as to allow a person to drink the milk I bought, only for her convenience, not for long terms feeding her for free. Things that arent't really constantly consuming my money, like borrowing a book or any equipment to a friend is fine. I don't see why my milk has to be finished so soon, and other foods that I bought have to finish so quick, and I have to go out and buy it again, and come back to constantly feed people for free.
Most of all, I don't like the thought of feeding people for free, while it is other person's parent's job.
Apparently some people do have a bad thinking, it's somebody who told me that.
There are two noticable traits that I discerned over the past years, my friends who are very financially capable are better in his manner in terms of things that I mentioned above. They wont take your advantage and they always being fair and generous. (note that our generousity is only for convenience and friendship). In contrast, friends that are not very financially capable tend to take advantage of other people, and they will feel it's normal and smart to do so, because people are capable.
I think most of the people already knew about what I have said, I didn't say it because I'm so damn care about it, or too scrupulous. I only say it because I can only feel comfortable in the way that I always be. Or maybe I only say it because of my libra character as well.
Lastly, there are people who think like what I have said, and they think it's perfectly normal and smart. And they will surely feel offended of what I have said. But I don't give a damn care about them.
For a start, they already lack the good personality which everyone ought to have, are they lacked of home education or due to their predicament, are none of my concerns as well. You don't accept a badly made things, because of you know the reasons why it was badly made, but you concern about the improvement or proper functions, that it should have.
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