Saturday, February 13, 2010

Pure pressure

There's a sheer amount of pressure on me right now. When it's about the exam, I could feel myself crumbling inside.
And then my heart feels bitter and sour at once, it's what probably you called afraid, or intimidated.

I had never been so afraid of anything in my life, but my law exam.
I'm so afraid, because my parents spend so much money for me, they provide for me to study overseas, and I'm a big squanderer.
With all those things together, it means I can't fail in my studies. Not even once.
Nobody could imagine or comprehend the pressure that I'm having right now, the feeling of worrying about how good you are in the law exam, not even a bit.

I can try describe some situations that are more or less like mine right now:
(1) it's like falling from the sky, knowing that you'll die when you reach the ground. But that is not the main concern, the main concern is about the feeling that you get when u fall from a high sky.
(2) It's like you gamble all your money in a casino, your entire property all in, and then you lose your gamble. The feeling is like that exact few minutes when you lost everything.
(3) It's like you have lost hope and everything in a split of second, but that feeling persist for a very long time.

I was a fairly good student during my high school, I scored 7 A1 and 3Bs in my SPM. The Bs are chinese, english and malay.
Apparently I wasn't any good at my languages, and yet I chose to study Law, a subject which involves a lot of language skills.
During the second half of my first year law school, I had a lot of struggles in the exam.
The least that I would like to experience was the aftermath of the exam result announcement, because honestly my result wasn't any good at all. It was horrifying, and I had to live with it every single day of that period. I was terrified to the max, because, Imagine I always used to have a fairly good score on my exam, and then my exam result was totally like shit, at this crucial and important stage of my life. Can you imagine how it is like?

I do not like law actually, I wish I could find a fond in it, but too bad I can't.
Law is freaking boring and not lively at all, it's pretty much a dead subject.
The only thing I like about law is it can make me a lot of money, and also serve justice for the people.

I carried a noble intention initially, when I chose to take the course of studying law.
I thought I could one day, serve justice and equality for the people, which is something that I upheld the most.
But sometimes I feel my heart is just not big enough to accommodate this big and noble intention.
I sometimes feel it is too much to fill this heart alone.

I realised the fine line that separates a great man from a normal guy, I can actually see it.
To cross that line is not as easy as you say, it requires a lot of determination, lots of will, and a big heart to accommodate all the failure and hardship that you are likely to experience.
I'm still not sure I'm that material yet.

Am I a great man? Or a normal guy?

I'm doing something which is not my strongest, imagine you cant do math but you do actuarial study in university.
I'm a person with a lot of ideas and capable of giving a hell good of arguments.
But I feel I'm limited by my language effluence.

What is my future from now? I don't wish to be afraid of my law exam anymore. I wish to be confident like I always did.
I was a person who walked in to the exam venue at the exact time when it started and leave before it ended, and score A at the end. Now I'm afraid to the stage that I can feel coldness has consumed my heart.

I wish this all end soon. God please help me, if you chose me to hand down your divine retribution. Please make my heart stronger and bigger, so I can accommodate all these and move forward. Make my efforts and endeavors a fruitful one. Take away all my worries and pressure, and insert a hope that is promising. Amen.

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